|Rumor Slavery.....my first Emo poem
||[14 Nov 2005|08:08pm]
How do these things start
And where do they come from
Is it your heart
Is it pumping faster.
These things they hurt
Deep down inside
Slit my wrists open, let my soul fly
Bleed out the pain
Your words really hurt
What is this game
Wash out the dirt
Please don’t laugh, It’ll only make me cry
You call me all you want
but you can never take my pride
its always there
every corner I turn
I know I shouldn’t really care
You would think I would learn
I know now who are my true friends
Their definitely not you
Is this how you want to end
You don’t know
You shouldn’t judge
From the scar on my heart
Has barred me such a grudge
Go away with your jokes
Leave me with your words
The hurtful things I can only purge
One person says something
Soon after this period I’ll be in tears
You all see me as a cocoon just now
You’ll now why
You’ll know how
I’ll spread my wings
with courage and bravery
I’ll hold my head up high
And break free of your rumor slavery
|i'll wear them on my feet, if you will teach me how to dance in them.
||[03 Nov 2005|04:02pm]
sometimes i feel lonely. in this big world. lonley is how i feel.
i look outside my window and ask the question will i ever make a impact on this world?
what is my purpose?
why am I here?
then i sit and ask myself why am i so lonely? why doesn't anyone like me? why can't i just stay in one place for more than 3 years?
Time. thats all anything is. time.
whats wrong with me? why am i like this. why am i this way? what can i change? how can i change?
yes im leaving. where am i going? hopefully forward and not like i am....backwards. hopefully i'll leave in the right direction and not the wrong.
hope. thats all i really have right now.
im leaving to a far away place where i don't get screamed at all night. where i don't cry myself to sleep everynight. where people know me and all my secrets. where my friends are really my friends. where i don't have to worry about anything and everything.
Linden. thats my safty net. that's where the great oddessy of my life has taken me. but who really knows where i'll go from there. will i move again? and again? and again? when will that vicouis cycle of my life stop?
if i do leave to Linden then it'll be the 6th school in 5 years. how many people will i love and grow on before i just have to leave again to go somewhere new? how many friends will i make this time. 5? 10? 30? how many names will i learn just to grab my bags and move away from these people?
im not adjusting here at this new school of mine. all my close friends have backstabbed me. my one love has left me for bigger and better things. my grades are going down. my parents can't stand to be around me (yes they told me that). all the trust i put into everything has been broken down and shattered.
im all alone. i feel so small in something so big.
suicide? i consider it every damn day. that quiting seems so much easier than fighter a battle that im losing to. but then i look at a map. and you know what i see? Africa. asia. europe. south america. russia. all the places that i just might have a chance with. all the places i might be able to make a difference some day. lives i might one day change or souls one day i might just save.
paradise isn't for me. im not supposed to be here. i don't fit in. maybe its the mountains that i don't like.
maybe its me. maybe i don't like myself. what if there isn't anything to like. then what do i do? then where to go?
what do i do?
|2 makeovers and a little black Gucci purse
||[17 Oct 2005|02:23pm]
On Friday I went to the football game with Amber. There we saw my good friends Kaiden and Renée. We practically hung out the entire football game. I’m not sure why but Kaiden and I pretended like we were married and Amber was my girlfriend. Out of all my 3 friends…I’m the only straight girl. Weird, eh? I finally saw FishBoy (Ryan) and we hella talked. And he is so fuckin HOT!!!!! OMG. I had a fatty crush on him last year. For like eva. And now I’m starting to get those feelings back. Hella! Lol. And he told me to call him so we can kick it. I was all Booty Call!!!!
Kaiden and I actually convinced Ryan that we were married. It had to be the funniest thing in the world. I laughed so hard. I also saw Asia and her very sexy nose. Because anyone with their nose pierced is hot. Cuz that’s how we role. Yeah. Oh...wow…anyways.
Then I went home with Amber and then spent the night at her house. It wad really weird to spend the night and you Ex’s house. Its like all night I wanted to be up all that but I couldn’t. You know? So I got butt-face drunk with Daniel. It was really fun in a really dull way. We talked for about 5 hours. Just talked about nothing at all. Around 5:00am is the time when I decided to go to bed…it also was the time Daniel (a ugly 40 year old Syrian guy) started to hit on me (a beautiful 15 year old American girl). So I watched Chris play his video game or at least I think I did. I remember laying on my knee. I also remember how much I miss him when I woke up and he told me to go back to sleep in that sweet tone of voice he has and then he started to brush my hair back with his fingers. So I really didn’t get to bed until around 5:30am. Then I woke up at 6:30am and talk to Amber before she had to go Pre-SATs. Then I stayed up and did nothing. Until around 9:30am Kim, me, and Chris went to Jack n’ Box for breakfast. Then they dropped me off at work. Grandma finally took me to Elegant Rose where I bought the cutest little black Gucci purse. And I think I’m in love. I also saw the hottest Fendi purse there for 35 bucks. I’m so getting it! After Grandma set up a Hair appointment for me cuz my hair is so fuckin gross looking. No joke!!! So I get my hair done at 2:00pm tomorrow. I’m so excited I’m getting it done like this:
Then I came home ate some pie and watched Pretty Women. What a good movie. I love it. Then Sunday I finally watched Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Good movie…not as good as the book…but still okay. Then now it’s Monday and of course I’m not at school. Stayed home to baby-sit my lil’ bro. Watched the movie Honey. I really want to start my own hip-hop dance thing. Just my friends and I. Doesn’t that sound so cool? I think it does. I also watched The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. What a cute movie.
Well Wednesday I’m going to look hella sexy! I can’t wait. Then I’m going to go hang out at PHS and try to find Thor, Fishboy, or Andrew. I’m so excited. Plus I’m thinking about giving Amber a makeover cuz she can look really pretty if she knew how to use make-up and hair gel. Lol. Well g2g.
|missed memories of me
||[14 Oct 2005|02:47pm]
well hello. nice of you to read my blog. yes..i love you to. anyways.... i finally went to PHS yesterday to say hi and i miss you to some people. it was so great. i finally got to see Senora and we chated. i miss her. i also saw Mrs. Madison. and had a long talk. i hung out with Asia. it was really weird. (and asia if you are reading this....then i thought you looked all cute). but weird in a good way. i guess. YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE WHO I SAW!!!! Andrew from like the 8th grade. no fuckin joke. i miss that kid hella. i never really thought i would ever ever see him again. and then i did. and he is way fuckin cute! it was crazy. i was just standing there talking to Joe and BAM. he was right there. it only took me 10 minuts to actually relieze it was him. but i did.
i also saw Misha. i hung out with her in her class room for like the last 5 minuts of class. we talked about Casey. they are taking a "break". and i guess Beau called her up 2 days ago and said that he still loved her. and then my boyfriend broke up with me because he still loves her. and all this time i'm thinking what the hell does this bitch have that i don't? please, anyone. tell me. but i really guess the world is screwy like that.
so i had to go back to the store sooner or later. and i was walking down the stairs to the soccor feild you would never guess who i saw!!!! Thor. i know. i was all OMG. and thats also excatly what he said................. and i quote "holy shit. oh my god." then all these old memories came flooding back to me. and i almost fell down the stairs cuz my legs turned to jello from the thought of those memories. and as i herd his cleets behind me i quickly hurried to get the fuck out of there so he wouldn't have to see me up close and relieze what a mess i am!lol. then i as i was almost sprinting i heard the words "What now even a hello to me?" i know he was talking to me... but i guess i was going to play hard to get. and the rest of the night i had a huge smile on my face. i thought the happieness would never end.
lol. then i called Amber and Chris answered the phone. and the happieness turned into slight depression. but i was gone last night. just mentally gone. and i talked to Amber on the phone for like hours. and i really can't remember what i said. but i think it was great.i was supposed to see her today but my mom wanted me to stay home and clean the house cuz my grandma and jim are coming up tonight. i am so excited about that.
So I finally made up my mind. I am going to transfer back to PHS. I reliezed that there isn’t anything at ridgeview for me. I no longer have the love of my life. I have no close friends. I love missy but she is really getting on my nerves and acting really weird. So ya. I want to transfer at the end of our grading period but I might have to wait for the end of the semester. Maybe. I’ll talk to dan next Monday about it. Im so happy.